May Goals…Maybe Not?

Whoops!  Remember that goal I set myself the beginning of May? I was going to get everything migrated to this new site, set up, and all that fun stuff by the end of the month, right?

Well, guess what…

I failed!

Yeah, I was a bit disappointed in myself, to say the least.  I spent a good chunk of the end of May actually feeling super guilty and like a, you guessed it, failure.

I had set a goal!  I had all the steps lined up, knew exactly what I needed to do, and yet I didn’t do any of it. Why the heck not?!

I felt horrible, to say the least.  Especially since this was my first ever “Hey, lets do a monthly goal together!” post.  At the very least, I could have hopped on to let you guys know I’d missed the mark (although it was kinda obvious, wasn’t it), but by that point, I’d pulled myself into such a  frenzy of guilt and despair that I couldn’t handle coming out and admitting it.  It was a trap of my own making and the result was complete inaction.

So, what happened?

Well, to be honest, there are a lot of reasons I didn’t get around to it, and they’re all valid in their own ways.  Sometimes that happens.  Life happens and we’re too busy trying to keep from drowning to have anything left over for our goals.  We do what we can, drop what we can’t, and focus on getting through.  That’s what happened for me.

Over the course of May and June, we had two ER visits, one inpatient stay (no, not mine), two partial inpatient programs (also not mine), a new diagnosis in the family, a lost job, and under all of that, the normal financial and time strains.  Our house is falling apart (some parts, quite literally) and we’re struggling to stay afloat.  It’s the reality of life and when it came down to this or that, I chose that.  And honestly, as I sit here typing all of this, I don’t blame myself in the slightest.

Really, it was a smart decision to put the blog on pause while I work through some of the bigger things in my life.  That was a choice that needed to be made, and I’m proud of myself for doing it (even if I did beat myself up horribly for it).

So, why the guilt?

Well, sometimes that’s just how it goes.  I guess for me, it was the knowledge that everything else was falling down around me and this blog is one of the few things I have complete control over.  And yet, I couldn’t even manage it.  Instead of continuing the one thing that was completely mine, I dropped it.  I let the world get in the way. I let the world take it away from me.

Or at least, that’s how my brain saw it. I know now that I made the right choice, and I’m glad I did it. But at the time, it was hard.

So what?

Some days, we’re going to fail.  There’s nothing we can do about that fact.  Sometimes it’ll be because we made a bad decision and sometimes because we made the right one. That’s how life works.

Some days, whether it was a good or bad choice, we will beat ourselves up over it.  That’s life, too.

On those days, if you can, take a deep breath.  Remind yourself you’re doing the best you can.  Make your choices, pick your battles, and be gentle with yourself if it’s not what you’d expected or initially wanted.  Yeah, it’s easier said than done, but we can try.

And, ultimately, that’s the point.  We try.  We fail or we succeed, but most of all…we try.

<3

Shahana

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