Sorry guys, this one might hurt a little. I’m gonna tell you a secret I’m pretty sure you’ve already guessed. I don’t want to get better. Okay, I do… but there are some days when I really don’t. Wanna know why? Well, here we go…
Well, Halloween is done and you and I both know we’ve crammed as much candy down as we could. After all, this begins the season of tasty treats. Next up: Thanksgiving! Oh, goodie… Crowds of people, hours of travel, days of cooking, and a week of cleaning that kitchen afterward. Actually, scratch that last one… I’m using paper plates.
All in all, there’s a lot to do this month and only a month to do it all in! Not going to panic, right?
But before we get too far, let’s take a second to reflect back on our goals for last month and start thinking about our goals for next month!
If you’re at all like me, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Halloween – a time filled with nightmares and fear… and guilt. Sure, there’s candy and costumes and parties and stuff to look forward to. I personally love handing out candy every year, and there’s that tradition of watching (not too) scary movies on that wonderfully creepy night. All in all, it’s a lot of fun! Once you get there, anyway. The weeks leading up, however, are always full of the Halloween guilt.
Not sure what I mean? Well, let’s think about this…
Here I am, standing in front of this mirror, just like my therapist told me to. I screw up my courage and bravely tell myself my new affirmation: “I am in control of my reactions.” I say it five times, write it on the mirror where I have to look at it every day, and somehow….eventually….. I learn that I can’t trust myself.
Yeah, I know. That’s not how it’s supposed to work, right? Affirmations are a well-accepted therapy technique for people struggling with all sorts of things. Whether it’s self-love, trust, overcoming fears, or pretty much anything, if you say it enough it’ll eventually come true. Supposedly. Possibly. Maybe….maybe not.
Obviously, I’m here to write about speaking out about life with chronic mental illness. That isn’t changing, but I think it’s important to look at one reality we live with every day. No matter how much we value speaking out, we still frequently “hide the crazy” to function in the mundane world. If you’ve lived with depression for a while (or anything like it), you know what I mean. Imagine the following:
Person 2: Oh, ya know. It’s been a good day so far. Had my coffee, so I’m ready to face the day. You?
Person 1: I’m fine (or, alternately, I’m good).
So, which one is living with depression on a daily basis? Well, actually, it could be either.
September sure blasted by for me. Admittedly, there was a lot of chaos in this house. For one, I left my job…finally. It was a painful choice because I seriously loved working with everyone, but at the same time, it was clearly necessary. No one should be having panic attacks over going to work. For two, there’s a bit of transitioning going on in my house as far as relationships and what our future as a family might look like. Between those two things, well, I’ve been a bit absent. I apologize for that.
Plus side to me not working right now, though: I can crank up the heat when it comes to getting this blog going! To that end, I figured I should actually write out my goals post for the month. So, without further ado…
Well, August started strong and then kinda crept out the door when I wasn’t looking. So, I guess that means it’s time to look at my August goals and see just how I did! Let’s be honest, I started really strong, but the last two weeks have been a wash for me. There are totally reasons (which I’ll probably write about later), but the ultimate point is that I didn’t do quite as much I might have hoped for the end of August. Still, I did something. So! Let’s review!
So, I’m apparently on a leave of absence from work. I say apparently because it wasn’t really planned ahead of time… it just happened. I went to work a couple weeks ago and three hours later I was heading home with the intent of staying home for the next two weeks. Why? All the troubles in life kept adding up to the point that I could barely function. I was exhausted, severely depressed, and my anxiety had blown up to the point that I spent every waking moment shaking. Ultimately, something needed to change, and that meant work.
When Morgan was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, I was completely terrified. It seems horrible to say now, but that’s just what it was. I’d barely heard of the disorder so all I really had was personal experience, and frankly, that gave me little hope. That week, I went to my therapist and told him the newest thing that seemed to be going wrong in my life and the first thing he said was “It’s okay.” And then he suggested a book… Enter, I Hate You – Don’t Leave Me (Amazon | iTunes)
Whoa, looks like July is done and gone! Which means, it’s time to review how we did on our goals. Hopefully you guys followed along and set yourself your own July goals. If you did, leave a comment below letting us know what your goal was and how you did.
And now: time to recap last month’s quest!