Content warning: this post will contain accurate information regarding the author’s experience with mental illness which may include potentially triggering content. Reader discretion is advised.
When did I know…?
So here’s the thing. I always felt as though something was “wrong”. I always felt like I was on the wrong medication, like I hadn’t been properly diagnosed, or that people were just being fake to me when they “cared” because didn’t feel real. It wasn’t until recently, though, that I started self-advocating for myself in regards to my mental health. Shahana and I did research and came across a few options for likely diagnoses: Borderline Personality Disorder or Bipolar Disorder…
Borderline Signs Over The Years
There were many signs of my diagnosis growing up, especially starting during my adolescence. Cycling from an intense love for my significant other to a fear of being left so intense that I would push as hard as I could to fulfill my feeling that I would be. From caring about myself to hating myself so much I would self-harm by cutting my legs with a knife, cheat on my partners in highly unsafe ways, and become verbally and emotionally abusive.
There were many times that I couldn’t see what was going on until I looked back on it. One of the most obvious examples was my first experience changing medication for my depression diagnosis. I was inpatient for a seizure disorder, and when they took me off of my antidepressant, things went absolutely haywire. I went from a decently adjusted individual to someone who cycled between intense emotions at the drop of a hat. Anger, rage, love, sadness, excitement… all going back and forth for no reason; some hours would be so bad that I almost discharged myself from the hospital on multiple occasions.
Let’s fast-forward a bit. I had been on the new meds for a while and through multiple increases in dosages. No amount of the medication was stopping my cycles, even if it was slowing down how often they were happening. Eventually, it broke up my marriage after I had a burst of violent rage – the last straw for that relationship.
Into the Future
Now that I’ve finally gotten my borderline personality disorder diagnosis I’ve been able to understand myself more. Finding resources like I Hate You — Don’t Leave Me (Amazon | iTunes) and Coping With BPD (Amazon | iTunes) have shown me that other people are going through the same thing and that there is hope. While diagnosis isn’t an excuse for the things I’ve done, how I’ve acted, or how I may act in the future, it is an explanation. At least now I know why.